Shades of Gray

I was recently a guest on a podcast focused on balancing motherhood with the horse world – more details to come as the podcast gets ready to launch, she’s doing an amazing job putting it together! – and it was such an interesting conversation that I had to come on here and talk MORE about it.

Because clearly talking for a full hour is not enough for me. I never shut up.

Pic unrelated just an example of how I will literally always keep talking unless physically restrained.

But we really got into how different the journey into motherhood looks for everyone, how we all make different choices based on different priorities, and how we all kinda are just doing the best we can with what we have.

I have a few ramblings that we talked about in the course of our conversation, but some points in particular have been sticking in my brain and I want to flesh my thoughts out on a bit more.

The biggest one is the concept of saying “I deserve to have my own things as a mom, so my family should support me riding/competing.” I agree with this to a certain extent, but disagree in others.

First of all, I don’t particularly agree with the thought that my interests get prioritized. I think my family’s interests get prioritized, and I am part of that. There are times that I really need a break, and doing something to fill my cup is truly in the best interest of all the people that live in this house. There are other times that I could really use a break, but circumstances dictate that the best thing for my daughter is for me to be there for her – she is a toddler and incapable of advocating for herself, so in that case her needs absolutely trump my own without hesitation.

Sometimes she NEEDS to go to the barn and in those cases our needs are entirely aligned.

The biggest counter point to that I see is that a truly supportive partner would take some of the load off, but this is not always realistic. My partner is incredibly supportive, an involved and present father and devoted husband, but his work schedule dictates most of our lives. He can’t take the load off if he’s not there. We do the best we can with what we have, which sometimes means that my interests take a back seat. I’m fine with that. That’s a choice we have talked about and consciously made. It is realistic for this stage of life we’re in. This decision will look different for other people depending on their schedules, support systems, etc.

The other consideration is that horses are Not Like Other Hobbies. It’s not like saying I want my husband to manage dinner and bedtime solo once a week (and before anyone gets cranky, he does dinner and bedtime just as often as I do, this is just an example) so I can spend $100/month on a yoga class nearby. It is thousands of dollars a month, multiple days a week, being gone from the house for hours and hours. It is asking A LOT of my family to tolerate my absence for that long and to spend that much money – it would be just as tough for me to handle my husband being gone for such long periods above and beyond when he’s gone for work. I have asked it of them before and may ask if of them again, because this is a balance that shifts over time, but I do think it’s a bit goofy to treat this like any other hobby when it is SO much more consuming of time and resources than almost anything else I can think of. There’s nothing wrong with making this choice, but let’s at least be honest about the scope of it.

Definitely not saying that mom-ing and competing are incompatible, clearly! I loved my season of doing both. But it was hard and took a ton of backup from my amazing husband to make it work.

So while I am a horse girl through and through and would LOVE to get back in the barn as often as possible, I do not think this is owed to me at this stage of life. I owe it to my family to make the choices that will ensure our mutual health and happiness, and they owe me the same. Considering the time and financial constraints that most of us work under, this means re-prioritizing certain things (I hate the word sacrifice in this context because it isn’t giving something up, it’s choosing a different path. I digress).

Which brings me to the title of this post: shades of gray. For me, horses have always been a black and white thing. I’ve either been completely out of the horse world, or completely in. I haven’t been a 1x/week hobby student since I was 12. I’ve either been leasing/owning/competing, or I haven’t been near a horse.

Finding the balance between my love of the horse world and my role as a mother has been all about finding the shades of gray. I still own (obviously Francisco will always be mine), I don’t really ride or compete much at the moment, but I still come to the barn and participate in other ways pretty regularly. This is a new journey and it’s a hard one. It’s easy to default to the thinking that if I’m not doing EVERYTHING then I’m basically doing NOTHING. And that’s just not true.

Barn days now look like shorter visits where we get to smoosh noses and love on Francis, not like intense training sessions. That’s ok.

I’ve not really had many role models to watch navigate motherhood and horses, and it feels like the ones I do see are operating under different schedule/support/financial constraints than I am so it’s hard to compare notes. Not in a good or bad way, just in a different way. So all we can do is figure it out a little at a time, make changes as life changes, and do the best we can with what we have.

Like I’ve said before, I have full faith that the horse world will still be there waiting for me when my time isn’t needed at home as much. In the meantime, I’ll be noodling and rambling about these decisions as they affect two of the most fulfilling roles of my life: my role as a mom, and my role as a rider.