Mean Mom

You all know that there is nothing I love more than gushing about how much I adore my Francisco. He is truly the light of my life and I need everyone to know it. Constantly. I’m even happier when I can get people out to the barn to bask in the presence of the Sweet Sleepy Boy.

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My MIL loves to come see him, and he loves soaking up all her praise. It’s very heartwarming.

For my non-horse friends and family, there has been a pattern of some surprise when they come out and see how I handle Frankie. Apparently they often have certain expectations based on my unceasing verbal adoration. I’m not sure what those expectations are, but I imagine gazing adoringly and softly cooing sweet nothings feature prominently. Reality, however, is quite different. More than once, I’ve had someone tell me:

“Olivia, you’re kinda a mean mom.”

And you know what? They are totally right. I am kinda a mean mom.

I don’t feed Frankie any treats, I never let him rub his head on me, I give regular “course corrections” in the form of a smack when he’s not focused or behaving. I’m (surprisingly to them) strict with Frankie.

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I put ice boots and BoT wraps on him every time we jump I AM SO VERY MEAN TO HIM

But here’s the thing. Francis is a very large horse. Francis also loves treats more than anything in the world, and forgets that he’s big when he thinks he might get one. His excitement about the treat trumps the lessons he knows about respecting personal space. This is absolutely something we could fix with groundwork and practice, but I don’t see a need. The Treat Fairy will sometimes leave him something in his bucket, and I praise verbally instead. He is an enormous fan of verbal praise, so the lack of treats does not ruin his life (I promise).

And no, I don’t let him rub his face on me when untacking. You know what he likes to rub his face on? Fenceposts. And the younger horse in his herd that he sometimes likes to pick on. You know what I do not want my horse to see me as? An inanimate object or as lower in the dynamic of our own little herd. Not exactly the precedent I want to set in terms of who is the leader here.

And yeah, I’ll give him a slap or a poke and a bit of a growl when he moves into my personal space. He’s the one that has to move his feet out of my way, not the other way around. Again – you know who moves their feet for Frankie? That younger gelding. Again – I’m not particularly willing to be low man on the totem pole here.

Frankie gets plenty of face scratches – but only when I offer them to him, and he happily accepts. He gets to go for nice long walks and get nice long grooming sessions – respectfully holding still when asked, and only coming into my personal space when invited. Every time that he offers the right behavior (which is almost all the time), he is praised with scratches and pats and a hearty “good boy!”

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He doesn’t even have to get up, I will bring the face scratchies directly to naptime

With all my strictness, do you know what I end up with? A horse who has clear boundaries, who respects those boundaries to keep us both safe even in tough situations (like his Very Bad Day recently), who can relax because he never has to guess how he should act. There is consistency around it – he doesn’t get away with something one day, and then punished for it the next. By being a fair and consistent leader for my horse, I’m allowing him to be a contented follower.

So yes. I am strict with my horse and I can kinda be a mean mom. But I also have a horse that I can hand off to a child and know he will be careful and polite. That almost never spooks, because he has faith that I’ll take care of things for him. And at the end of the day, I have a horse that is relaxed and happy because he knows and likes his role in our dynamic.

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You can even basically drop the reins while nervously waiting to propose and he’ll keep chillin’

I’ll take the Mean Mom moniker happily if it keeps Frankie as wonderfully content as he is.

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8 thoughts on “Mean Mom

  1. Liz 09/11/2019 / 9:15 am

    And that’s why he is Such a Good Boy. I’m a card carrying member of the #meanmomsquad, too.

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  2. Genny - A Gift Horse Blog 09/11/2019 / 2:18 pm

    I’m a big meanie. Okie is a big dude, and honestly he struggles to not use his mouth to touch/feel/explore. I’ve found that strict rules help, but it doesn’t help that everyone at the barn loves to mess with him (his stall is front and center).

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    • hellomylivia 09/16/2019 / 9:19 am

      That definitely makes it much tougher! Frankie is in our quieter smaller barn where there is really only traffic from other boarders, I think we would have a tough time if he was around the lesson kids!

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  3. Stacie Seidman 09/11/2019 / 2:26 pm

    Mine get treats in their buckets too. But I’m totally guilty of allowing a rub here or there. I was more strict with Rio when he was younger, but now that he’s old and retired he’s earned the right to be top dog.
    I’m going to have to get a little meaner with Pammon though. He got to grow up in his herd until he was 6 before going to work as a riding horse. It’s clear from his battle wounds that he never fully grasped where his personal space ends and someone else’s begins…

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    • hellomylivia 09/16/2019 / 9:20 am

      I wonder if it’s something about being broke late! While Frankie has very good manners with people, he comes in with battle scars on the regular from playing rough with his herd-mates. He’s just that annoying kid who won’t leave them alone.

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