Setting the Record Straight

Manfriend has been dragged along to lessons, shows, XC schoolings, and countless other barn outings over the last few years. It was time to give him a turn to talk.

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Greetings to all you equestrian enthusiasts and faithful readers of this awesome blog. I have been asked to post as an outside guest, and the best thing I could think of was to debunk some myths that I have had in my head for years about the world of horses. Here are the 5 top misconceptions I’ve had, and the facts behind them.

Myth #1: Girls love horses because horses are beautiful creatures.

nick_holding_addy
Disgusting.

Fact: FALSE. I actually have zero idea why girls love horses because they are disgusting. They poop on their own tails, they fart extraordinarily loud when they jump, and they spew green foamy slobber from their mouths. And that’s just the first 10 minutes of a riding session.

Myth #2: Horse girls are crazy and high maintenance.

Fact: This is a big one. I know a lot of you guys out there have heard that you should avoid horse girls because “they’re crazy and their whole world revolves around horses”. This is absolutely false- I’ve heard my horse girl mention time and time again how much she cares about things that truly matter like friends, food, a good home, blankets, shoes, saddles, water, bits, turnout time…wait.

Myth #3: Horse races are for the cultured and those of high society.

marylandhuntcup
Darling, looking at the camera is for sober poor people

Fact: Oh MAN have you guys been found out. You thought you could fool me with your fancy hats, your pretty dresses, and those long glove things that reach up to your elbows. You people are the biggest bunch of goddamn phonies I’ve ever seen. You see, my only experience with horse races prior to dating Horse Girl was what I saw of the NBC coverage of the Kentucky Derby on TV, where everyone is wearing a watch worth more than what I make in a year turning tricks down at the docks. When Olivia took me to my first steeplechase event, we pulled into the lot and I thought we had gotten the wrong directions and wound up at an outdoor frat convention.

You see, it was at that exact moment that I realized horse races are an excuse to drink liquor at 10AM and maybe, if you feel like it, glance at a horse or two. My eyes are forever open, I’ve been unplugged from the matrix, and I’ll be taking my red pill straight up with a whiskey back. What? No thanks…no I’m good on food, I had some from the taco truck. What? Yea, yea the one right next to where the girl in the sunhat was puking a few minutes ago.

Myth #4: Horse shows are where they trot the horses around with bows and do their manes up like my little pony.

Fact: This is literally what I thought a horse show was before actually going to my first one. The fact is that shows are competitive, sometimes dangerous and downright dirty. I didn’t fully realize this until I saw a rider fall off a horse straight into the muck on her back only to pop right back on like nothing even happened. Just a close call to a spinal injury, no big deal, that only happens to newbies and Superman right? Don’t even get me started on the cross country stuff. Barreling down an open and uneven field at top speed and launching over fences that are usually sufficient enough to keep rioters at bay? Keep on truckin’, ladies, you’re making it look easy and reminding the rest of us uninitiated folk that we would probably scream like Thad Castle (look it up) if we went half that speed.

Myth #5: She probably loves her horse more than you.

nickandaddy
Pick a favorite face.

Fact: She lets me sleep inside, the horse has never once been invited over to her apartment (I have, lots of times), and she doesn’t smack me on the rib cage for not holding still. Usually. Besides, has Frankie ever had a slice of her homemade coconut cream pie? I think not. Who’s the clear winner here? Thought so.

Myth #6: Riding is easy because the horse is the one doing all the work.

Fact: This time I’m only talking to the men. Guys, in the 2 years I’ve been involved with the horse world, I’ve learned one simple tip if nothing else. If you have ever thought about even THINKING about maybe entertaining the thought of saying this………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

………………………………………….go for it, you’re absolutely right.

Raccoon

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25 thoughts on “Setting the Record Straight

  1. Jenn 05/11/2016 / 8:40 am

    This is so fantastic, I literally cannot even.

    Like

    • Nick 05/12/2016 / 8:40 am

      Dear Jenn, I wish you a healthy and swift recovery of your ability to even.

      Like

    • Nick 05/11/2016 / 9:23 am

      You haven’t seen the last of me, I promise.

      Like

    • Nick 05/12/2016 / 8:41 am

      I’m better than Frankie but don’t tell her that.

      Like

  2. Tracy - Fly On Over 05/11/2016 / 9:06 am

    ROFLMAO! This is excellent. Welcome to the wonderful world of Horse Husbandry, manfriend. You’re obviously never going to escape… unless Frankie decides he doesn’t like you. Then you’re toast. LOL

    Like

    • Nick 05/12/2016 / 8:42 am

      He hasn’t bit me yet so naturally we’re bros for life.

      Like

  3. shelbyrallen 05/11/2016 / 9:18 am

    Omg this is hysterical!!!! I can’t wait to show my boyfriend… maybe I can even get him to do a guest post on mine haha. Your manfriend gets it!!

    Like

    • Nick 05/11/2016 / 10:37 am

      I’ve been told I’m very observant.

      Like

      • shelbyrallen 05/11/2016 / 1:32 pm

        My boyfriend said this post was very relateable – he also also mentioned that he loved you Thad Castle reference.

        Like

    • Nick 05/11/2016 / 10:37 am

      Thank you, glad I can bring an outsiders view to the club.

      Like

    • Nick 05/12/2016 / 8:49 am

      Did she tell you that I’m also allergic to horses? Seriously, Liv, I know you’re reading these. I’m amazing.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. carey 05/11/2016 / 10:16 am

    Hahaha! Nice to meet you manfriend.

    Like

    • Nick 05/12/2016 / 8:48 am

      Good to meet you too, thanks for reading.

      Like

  5. Heather 05/11/2016 / 1:54 pm

    It is thanks to my own man friend that I understood the Thad Castle reference. Hahaha. This was fantastic.

    Like

    • Nick 05/12/2016 / 8:42 am

      You should ask him to do the scream for you.

      Like

  6. Lauren 05/11/2016 / 2:33 pm

    Hahaha, this is amazing. I love your manfriend.

    Like

    • Nick 05/12/2016 / 8:48 am

      How do you make an emoji symbol for blushing? Also what is an emoji and what part of Japan are they from?

      Like

  7. Bette 05/11/2016 / 4:48 pm

    HAHAHAHA!!!! Love everything but myth 5 might be my favorite!!! “The horse has never been invited over to her apartment” 😂😂😂

    Like

    • Nick 05/12/2016 / 8:46 am

      And he NEVER will…seriously though…he won’t fit through the door.

      Like

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