How to Groom Your Gray Horse

Friends, we’ve all heard George Morris explain how to groom your horse properly: curry, hard brush, soft brush, damp rag. As our High King, we must listen to his wisdom.

I humbly submit this slightly altered version- with few differences!- that has been optimized for you and the gray horse in your life.

addy_muddy

A 22 STEP GUIDE ON PROPER GRAY-HORSE GROOMING:

  1. Assess the damage. There are stains, you just have to identify them. If your gray horse doesn’t have stains, then go away. But first tell us all how you did it.
  2. Marvel at the extent of said damage. How did she manage to get a poop stain INSIDE her ear?!
  3. Decide to pick hooves first. At least there’s a pretty solid guarantee that if nothing else, her hooves will be clean by the end of this.
  4. Curry all over until your arms are sore. Focus on the butt. Congratulate yourself on taking such good care of your pet unicorn.
  5. Grab the hard brush. Swish and flick motion, people. Levi-O-sa, not Levio-SA.
  6. Breathe in all the hair and dust you’ve just stirred up into a delicious dander-tornado and hack up a lung.
  7. Re-inspect for stains. They’re all still there. Seriously all of them. How did all that currying do absolutely nothing?
  8. Re-attack with gusto, fueled by rage. Arm starts to hurt as the anger fades. Start to loathe the curry comb. Ow my arm.
  9. Take a break to comb her mane. Did she actually manage to pee on her own neck???
  10. Maybe we could at least get her face clean?
  11. No dice, she rubbed her face into the clay mud and now she’s a Navajo war pony.
  12. Frantically search for options and catch sight of a sponge.
  13. Sponge and scrub at all the gross spots.
  14. Realize that somehow this is turning the dirt on her coat into mud that’s sticking just as tenaciously. Why is this mud so sticky? Is there secretly glue in the soil here?
  15. Give up entirely and hose your horse off. Use copious amounts of purple shampoo so your pet unicorn can be a beautiful glowing white. Find out that your horse has a sock on their hind leg that you never knew about.
  16. Wipe the tear from your-awestruck eye as you watch your stunningly gorgeous snow-white pony canter gracefully up a hill, framed by the setting sun.
  17. Wipe more tears as your stunningly gorgeous snow-white pony rolls around in a poop-mud slurry, taking special care to rub it deep into her mane.
  18. Get into staring contest with your horse, the smug bastard.
  19. Your horse wins the staring contest.
  20. Sigh and go home covered in white hair, dirt, mud, and Mystery Substance F.
  21. Try not to cry. Cry a lot.
  22. Repeat as needed.

addy_outside

There you have it, folks! A simple, easy to follow guide on how to keep your pet unicorn shining brightly in the warmer weather!

Sorry George, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

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20 thoughts on “How to Groom Your Gray Horse

  1. Amanda C 04/20/2015 / 11:08 am

    I figured all y’all gray horse owners just own gallon jugs of rubbing alcohol.

    Like

    • hellomylivia 04/20/2015 / 11:40 am

      I do have a couple monster sized containers of vinegar…

      Like

  2. The Exquisite Equine 04/20/2015 / 11:11 am

    My version of How To Groom Your Gray Horse:
    1. Sell grayhorse
    2. Buy black horse

    lololololol this was seriously hilarious, though. Happy to say I do not feel the stain pain at all πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜› πŸ™‚

    Like

    • Britt 04/20/2015 / 2:46 pm

      I briefly rode a Friesian and I must say, getting dust out of a fuzzy black coat is almost as impossible as keeping a white horse white!

      Rose gray- that’s the color to have! Now only if they would stay that way…

      Like

      • hellomylivia 04/20/2015 / 3:01 pm

        Addy has one rose gray splotch on her butt, and every single time I play the “Poop or Coat” game to figure out where the splotch ends!

        Like

  3. CallyJumps 04/20/2015 / 11:14 am

    This is why I love my chestnut–she hides dirt like nothing else!

    Like

    • hellomylivia 04/20/2015 / 11:41 am

      I miss my blood bay! He clashed with all my show clothing, but absolutely nothing showed up on him. Addy is lucky she’s cute…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. EquiNovice 04/20/2015 / 11:59 am

    Accurate.

    #7 and #20 sooooooo much. At least present gray horse in my life enjoys being groomed and stands nicely for it. I once met a lovely gray horse who absolutely despised being brushed in any way… I mean good lord, what do you even DO then?!?! Maybe just #21…lots of #21.

    Like

    • hellomylivia 04/20/2015 / 12:17 pm

      I’m forever grateful that Addy will nap on the crossties as I try to work some magic on her. A gray horse that hates grooming???! #21 for days. Neverending #21.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Lauren 04/20/2015 / 12:02 pm

    Hehehehehe. I’ve never had a gray and this reminds me why! She’s a pretty pet unicorn though πŸ™‚

    Like

    • hellomylivia 04/20/2015 / 12:19 pm

      She’s a perfect unicorn dragon pony! The whole “blank canvas for stains” might just be her only failing.

      Like

  6. Britt 04/20/2015 / 2:47 pm

    This was my weekend. Friday I attempted grooming off the mud, Saturday I gave up and horsed him. Then bathed him after the ride, only to turn him out and watch him roll. First one side, then move to another dusty spot and get the other. I kid you not, he managed to get EVERY SINGLE WHITE SPOT.

    You either laugh or cry, so I try to laugh. Most of the time.

    Like

    • hellomylivia 04/20/2015 / 3:02 pm

      Is it that vaguely frantic, hysterical laughter? Because I am right there with you. I’ve started turning her out and immediately walking away without looking back. It hurts a little less that way.

      Like

  7. Tracy 04/20/2015 / 3:12 pm

    In this moment, I am supremely glad I own a chestnut. Good choice, Tracy, good choice.

    Like

    • hellomylivia 04/20/2015 / 3:36 pm

      Saving yourself from so much heartache and melancholy despair. Forgive me the dramatics πŸ˜‰

      Like

  8. emma 04/20/2015 / 6:24 pm

    lol this is hilarious! i managed to trick my mare by turning her out onto grass after her recent bath – so she had already rolled by the time she went back into the dirt field. score!

    re: the gray horse problem… my first trainer had a gray named “Idiot’s Delight.” she had sworn off grays since they were so hard to keep clean, but of course then she met him and he was too perfect… thus the name

    Like

    • hellomylivia 04/21/2015 / 11:56 am

      That trick sounds perfect! Although knowing Addy, she’d manage grass stains everywhere too haha. Idiot’s Delight is the perfect name for a gray horse, I love it!

      Like

  9. Holly 04/22/2015 / 9:46 am

    LOLOLOLOL I feel all the pain.
    Cry-laughing hysterically over in the corner while my white horse romps through the mud

    Like

    • hellomylivia 04/22/2015 / 11:33 am

      I know the feeling of the hysterical cry-laugh. One part “laugh it off,” two parts “oh god I can’t laugh it off this time.”

      Like

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