Friends, we’ve all heard George Morris explain how to groom your horse properly: curry, hard brush, soft brush, damp rag. As our High King, we must listen to his wisdom.
I humbly submit this slightly altered version- with few differences!- that has been optimized for you and the gray horse in your life.
A 22 STEP GUIDE ON PROPER GRAY-HORSE GROOMING:
- Assess the damage. There are stains, you just have to identify them. If your gray horse doesn’t have stains, then go away. But first tell us all how you did it.
- Marvel at the extent of said damage. How did she manage to get a poop stain INSIDE her ear?!
- Decide to pick hooves first. At least there’s a pretty solid guarantee that if nothing else, her hooves will be clean by the end of this.
- Curry all over until your arms are sore. Focus on the butt. Congratulate yourself on taking such good care of your pet unicorn.
- Grab the hard brush. Swish and flick motion, people. Levi-O-sa, not Levio-SA.
- Breathe in all the hair and dust you’ve just stirred up into a delicious dander-tornado and hack up a lung.
- Re-inspect for stains. They’re all still there. Seriously all of them. How did all that currying do absolutely nothing?
- Re-attack with gusto, fueled by rage. Arm starts to hurt as the anger fades. Start to loathe the curry comb. Ow my arm.
- Take a break to comb her mane. Did she actually manage to pee on her own neck???
- Maybe we could at least get her face clean?
- No dice, she rubbed her face into the clay mud and now she’s a Navajo war pony.
- Frantically search for options and catch sight of a sponge.
- Sponge and scrub at all the gross spots.
- Realize that somehow this is turning the dirt on her coat into mud that’s sticking just as tenaciously. Why is this mud so sticky? Is there secretly glue in the soil here?
- Give up entirely and hose your horse off. Use copious amounts of purple shampoo so your pet unicorn can be a beautiful glowing white. Find out that your horse has a sock on their hind leg that you never knew about.
- Wipe the tear from your-awestruck eye as you watch your stunningly gorgeous snow-white pony canter gracefully up a hill, framed by the setting sun.
- Wipe more tears as your stunningly gorgeous snow-white pony rolls around in a poop-mud slurry, taking special care to rub it deep into her mane.
- Get into staring contest with your horse, the smug bastard.
- Your horse wins the staring contest.
- Sigh and go home covered in white hair, dirt, mud, and Mystery Substance F.
- Try not to cry. Cry a lot.
- Repeat as needed.
There you have it, folks! A simple, easy to follow guide on how to keep your pet unicorn shining brightly in the warmer weather!
Sorry George, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.