Setting the Record Straight

Manfriend has been dragged along to lessons, shows, XC schoolings, and countless other barn outings over the last few years. It was time to give him a turn to talk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Greetings to all you equestrian enthusiasts and faithful readers of this awesome blog. I have been asked to post as an outside guest, and the best thing I could think of was to debunk some myths that I have had in my head for years about the world of horses. Here are the 5 top misconceptions I’ve had, and the facts behind them.

Myth #1: Girls love horses because horses are beautiful creatures.

Disgusting.

Fact: FALSE. I actually have zero idea why girls love horses because they are disgusting. They poop on their own tails, they fart extraordinarily loud when they jump, and they spew green foamy slobber from their mouths. And that’s just the first 10 minutes of a riding session.

Myth #2: Horse girls are crazy and high maintenance.

Fact: This is a big one. I know a lot of you guys out there have heard that you should avoid horse girls because “they’re crazy and their whole world revolves around horses”. This is absolutely false- I’ve heard my horse girl mention time and time again how much she cares about things that truly matter like friends, food, a good home, blankets, shoes, saddles, water, bits, turnout time…wait.

Myth #3: Horse races are for the cultured and those of high society.

Darling, looking at the camera is for sober poor people

Fact: Oh MAN have you guys been found out. You thought you could fool me with your fancy hats, your pretty dresses, and those long glove things that reach up to your elbows. You people are the biggest bunch of goddamn phonies I’ve ever seen. You see, my only experience with horse races prior to dating Horse Girl was what I saw of the NBC coverage of the Kentucky Derby on TV, where everyone is wearing a watch worth more than what I make in a year turning tricks down at the docks. When Olivia took me to my first steeplechase event, we pulled into the lot and I thought we had gotten the wrong directions and wound up at an outdoor frat convention.

You see, it was at that exact moment that I realized horse races are an excuse to drink liquor at 10AM and maybe, if you feel like it, glance at a horse or two. My eyes are forever open, I’ve been unplugged from the matrix, and I’ll be taking my red pill straight up with a whiskey back. What? No thanks…no I’m good on food, I had some from the taco truck. What? Yea, yea the one right next to where the girl in the sunhat was puking a few minutes ago.

Myth #4: Horse shows are where they trot the horses around with bows and do their manes up like my little pony.

Fact: This is literally what I thought a horse show was before actually going to my first one. The fact is that shows are competitive, sometimes dangerous and downright dirty. I didn’t fully realize this until I saw a rider fall off a horse straight into the muck on her back only to pop right back on like nothing even happened. Just a close call to a spinal injury, no big deal, that only happens to newbies and Superman right? Don’t even get me started on the cross country stuff. Barreling down an open and uneven field at top speed and launching over fences that are usually sufficient enough to keep rioters at bay? Keep on truckin’, ladies, you’re making it look easy and reminding the rest of us uninitiated folk that we would probably scream like Thad Castle (look it up) if we went half that speed.

Myth #5: She probably loves her horse more than you.

Pick a favorite face.

Fact: She lets me sleep inside, the horse has never once been invited over to her apartment (I have, lots of times), and she doesn’t smack me on the rib cage for not holding still. Usually. Besides, has Frankie ever had a slice of her homemade coconut cream pie? I think not. Who’s the clear winner here? Thought so.

Myth #6: Riding is easy because the horse is the one doing all the work.

Fact: This time I’m only talking to the men. Guys, in the 2 years I’ve been involved with the horse world, I’ve learned one simple tip if nothing else. If you have ever thought about even THINKING about maybe entertaining the thought of saying this………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

………………………………………….go for it, you’re absolutely right.